Always Bad Timing?
When the diagnosis comes and roles have to change, a caregiver is needed and is assigned. When it is a parent who gets sick it is usually the daughter or daughter in law who must take up the responsibility. A spouse is expected to care for a spouse.
With the changed role comes a changed life. The goals and dreams, the expectation of what was to come next, get dashed. When taking on the caregiver role, what were your plans for life? Were you looking to get promoted in your job, further your education, retire and start traveling, focus on bringing up the teenage children? Where indeed is your focus? All of a sudden the brakes are put on those aspirations and a new role appears – care giving. The dreams you had may have to be put on the back burner or shelved for life.
Shelved for life! That sends a shudder of reality down the spine. Suddenly the care giving role takes on a new appearance. Is it going to be the thing that stands in the way of what we thought we was going to become in life? Will we be able to achieve what we thought was our life’s purpose? The other painful reality is that we may have been putting off satisfying our needs, reaching our goals, for the sake of others. Their needs had to come first. But we always expected that one day was going to be our turn…
I may be adding a bit of drama here but not without justification. The caregiver will face an identity crisis when the extent of the new role becomes clear. There will be a reaction of anger, frustration and depression and an overwhelming sense of guilt at experiencing these feelings.
When this reality hit me I had a false sense of bravado. I expected that I would be able to cope, that I had the skills, that I was strong etc. This didn’t last long. It did not take long before the feelings of inadequacy and failure quickly flooded in. But they were feelings I was not easily able to share.
It was only after I had worked my way through accepting the changes that I could start to see what I had gained, not what I had lost. I could see that some parts of my life would have to be put on hold but I still had opportunities to have my needs met. I also started realizing that I was learning more about myself and whom I was, than I could have done any other way. I was learning from experience and was able to share that with others. Indeed my experiences were not wasted, they were of use. So often we hear of tragedies striking families and after it is over there has been a greater gift to humanity.
Just occasionally I was aware that there were gifts hidden in dark clouds. I learned about the strength and frailty of relationships. I learned about friendships and value systems. I began to understand myself more. But none of this could happen until I had stopped believing that this was all very bad timing. Once I had accepted the fact that this was my life journey playing itself out just the way it was supposed to be played, that I started growing.
